between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up under a house in Key West
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
