the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
