At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
