I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
