If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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