I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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