why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think im going to throw up on grandma
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
