i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
