Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
