yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
