so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
