I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
