I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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