I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
