hotel room ftw
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need water and some morals
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I forget how to act sober
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
