is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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