Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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