The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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