I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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