I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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