I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
