Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
