My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
