awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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