i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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