i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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