my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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