So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
