Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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