I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
