Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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