if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
