Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
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You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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