There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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