i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
