i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
