I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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