: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
