Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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