Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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