his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
