I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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