you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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