just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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