so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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