i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
