i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
