He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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