the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
cat food counts as protein by the way
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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