Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There's always time for handjobs
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
