i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
