u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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