I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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