Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
