Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
