Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
