I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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