I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
