Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
